Chronicles of Compromise Day 1 Lesson 1: When all else fails, have a meeting

As the Senator and I sat at the kitchen table for dinner, inhaling the spaghetti dinner I made, I began to wonder what he must think of his wife. I felt an overwhelming urge to strike up a conversation re: the conversation we had last night. Here goes -

Me - have you thought about what we talked about last night?

Sent. - not really,... but I haven't forgotten either

Me - What do you think of me? How do you see me?

Sent. - no response, just a look. not a good look, not a bad look, just a look

Me - I'm a mess

Sent. - you're growing....

Sent. - I know no other way than to turn to family, and you know no other way than to run away

To give you a bit of background: last night upon returning home from CT, I sat in the basement and had an all out breakdown. I was overcome with such a heavy feeling of... yucky-ness! I felt wretched! I wanted to run away, crawl into a hole, and NEVER come out. the Senator sat in front of me, lifted my chin, and said "don't be like your mother"... "you're better than that"....

Woah, right?! Don't be offended, I wasn't. You've gotta know the history to know why... that'll come at a different time. For whatever reason, this is my season for growing through my issues of trust. I will have to learn to let others in. Apparently, my ministry revolves around people and while all of this hurts, it is necessary. I was reading in James today chapter 4 verse 6: "... God opposes the proud but favors the humble..." my good friend VEP told suggested that I learn my lesson quick, so that I can move on.... I've been so foolish for the past six months. I've moved into the home of my husbands grandmother and felt like I owed her no explanation for choosing to make the decisions I did. Tell me how this makes sense. I consider her important enough to involve her in my plans to start a business, but not important enough mend the broken relationship bruised by lack of communication. do you know what my plans were? i was going to move out of here, out of anger, and NEVER, i mean NEVER tell the Senator's family ANYTHING about my life ever again. WTH am I thinking?! My life is not my own, I was bought with a price... I got married! therefore, I'm a fool for thinking I can just cut off the family of my husband. I'm doing no harm to them, their his blood, their always gonna choose him, ALWAYS!!!

I had decided that I was hurt too badly for them the deserve to know anything about me. I let them in and when they didn't agree with my plans, i shut them out just like i did every other person who hurt me. only this time, by shutting them out i would a) make the Senator miserable (and i love him waaaaay too much to do that) b) damage my witness as a Christian and c) possibly make it impossible for them to receive any their own (the Senator) without some feelings of resentment. All because I suck a learning life lessons

so what I've decided to do is have a meeting. I've made an agenda (on the right) and I'm going to call a meeting with the Senator, Oma, and myself where I will apologize, explain my position and propose our plan to extend our stay. In addition, I will offer suggestions for making our living arrangements more comfortable and will take whatever she has to say to heart and on the chin.

The bottom line is: life hurts and making decisions suck. Growing up is a hard thing to do, but somebody's gotta do it. so, it may as well be me.