Moving... again

A while ago I blogged about a letter our leasing office gave us stating that our community was being remodeled and that we should begin a search for some other place to live. Well that time was April 2011. As the deadline approaches, I'm finding myself more and more annoyed, anxious, irritated, afraid, unsure, overwhelmed and anything other adjective along this vein you can think of. the Senator on the other hand!? Cool as a cucumber; and it's driving me up a wall.

Just the other night we talked quiet a bit about my fears, why I was having them, and decided to spend everyday for the next 6 months saving. Since our home buying program is so awesome and we just need to prove our responsibility, we decided that was plenty of time. We decided that renting another year (365) would be all we needed to get our file nice and solid with NACA, save, and search for a home. So, tell me why when I asked dear, sweet, Senator this am a question regarding the matter, he gave me the original answer to the original plan and claimed he did not "process the conversation" the way "I" thought he did. What the Hell, dude!? We've started from ground zero!?

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. He makes me so angry sometime. Now he won't commit to finding and applying to rent some place for whatever reason he's come up with in his head. I don't want to talk to him, but I have to because we need to discuss this. *Opening up my heart and allowing you to see past the anger* I'm sad and afraid. I feel like he wants us to wait until the last minute to do something that I know we will need more time to plan for. I'm afraid we will have to end up moving back in with his parents. I'm afraid he is trying to put us in an impossible situation so we have no choice but to surrender to his parents suggestions because we will have no place to go. I'm afraid we will be stranded, homeless, ugh! ugh! ugh!.... I'm pissed because I believe he doesn't listen to me. I think he thinks I'm a nag and spastic, and I just want him to trust "us". We are capable of making decisions for ourselves w/o the influence of others, namely his parents. Plus I believe they think we're poor and struggling, and the last thing I want is for us to have to move back in with them. That year we lived with O. I spent more time crying and embarrassed, and upset that I ever have in my entire life. I felt like they were judging us. I know they are viscous people, by no means at all.... I just know they love the Senator and sometime I feel like they think I've ruined him in some way. *sad face. sigh*

I just want us to come to a conclusion that is best for the both of us. I want him to trust our decision and not go back and forth. I want to feel secure in the fact that if he and I decide something, I know it is settled. Period. *closing the door to my heart*

That is all