The power of prayer and pancakes for lunch

So in my last post i talked about my current situation (funeral, money, & my decision to refuse anger). I chose to try this whole "shut up and pray approach". normally, what I do if the Senator does something to hurt my feelings I...well... TELL HIM! W/ no hesitation I just let it out. Needless to say that has not worked and since I'm turning a new leaf (personally) I decided to just pray about it. When it was final last night that I definitely wasn't going to NC for my Nana's funeral, I called my mother to break the news. I didn't know what I was going to get from her, but all I got was "okay". I hung up and while driving home felt my natural emotions begin to take over. I wanted to scream, yell, place blame, call names (I'm terrible I know). but in an instant I heard a still small voice say "pray". I begin to ask God for the correct emotions to respond to this instance and asked Him to help me channel my emotions appropriately. I asked help with identifying my correct emotions so that I could be helpful to my husband and not hurtful. I knew he knew that since he had blown the account that my trip was off, but was it really necessary for me to remind him of that by yelling and screaming. I know he's intelligent, and was certain that while he was shifting money around in our accounts he had to have known that his decision was jeopardizing my chances for traveling to NC... but I made up my mind that I was not going to mention it to him at all... NO MATTER WHAT, PERIOD. I arrived home before him and sat in the car for a bit contemplating a twitter or FB post that would/could express how I felt. I decided against it. I didn't want to let on in anyway that I was affected by his decision. I really wanted to sit and wait to see what God was going to do thru me.

The entire night went by with only a few instances of him asking me the infamous "are you okay?, you're kind of quiet". wives, we all know that is a dead on sign that the hubby knows you're upset, but does not want to ask you directly. They like to remain in the notso oblivious state of confusion or unawareness as if when we respond "no I'm not okay... blah blah blah" they can act surprised. I eventually went up to bed after playing a few rounds of Bejwewled, and fell asleep.

the Senator came a bit later, and in my sleep i believe he asked "are you still going tomorrow?". I shook my head no and turned over. I knew I had been successful b/c upon entering into bed he crawled up close to he, snuggled really close, and hugged me really tight. He sealed the deal with "i love you, babe". I had witnessed a small victory and was feeling good.... so i thought. it wasn't long before the snuggled phase was ending the the "real sleep positions" came into play that I found myself lying awake for a short while. my heart ached a bit... why? What was it that still made me melancholy? This morning i was way to groggy to chit chat. the Senator is a morning person and I'm so... NOT! He kissed me goodbye and I slept on until it was time for my office hours to begin. A bit after noon I got a text:

tS - He how are you? What you doing?

Me - working, you?

tS - the same, thinking about you? did you really want to go today?

Me - ... yes, I was looking forward to it

tS - I'm sorry about that. I should have spoken up and said we didn't have it like that this time

**heart stopped*** there it was. vindication. I was relieved and felt GOOD, foreal this time. I desired acknowledgement and an apology! That's all I needed... I knew he had screwed up, but it wasn't my place to make sure that he knew it. Even though he would have apologized, it would have been as a result of my anger toward him and would have been more for the sake of peace and not true heartfelt... what's the word?..... sorry-ness (gotta move on, lol).

Me - no worries, apology accepted

tS - okay...

Even though the seal of silence on his part has been broken, and the tip toeing about trying to feel me out, part was over... He still feels terrible. I think I'm going to keep trying this "shutting up and praying" bit for a few more times.. b/c there WILL be more.

P.S. I had the best pancakes for lunch... tonight I'm making a chicken, rice, and spinach skillet for dinner. should be good.